This has been a week when I’ve come to realize I have to set boundaries not only in my life but work as well. Charlie can not treat me the way he does. If he keeps doing it then we need to ask him to leave. That will not be easy and may cause me to lose my son but my health and peace is more important/
As much as I hate to say it there comes a point when we realize that loving someone and controlling their choices are two completely different things. That has been one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn. This past week tested me in ways I never expected.
David asked me to set boundaries with Charlie. That meant if Charlie called, I wasn’t supposed to answer the phone. We were trying to stop the constant fussing, fighting, and arguing that seemed to happen every time we talked. As a mom, that was incredibly difficult. Every instinct in me wanted to answer and ask, “Where are you? Are you okay?”
Instead, I stayed quiet. One evening Charlie came home. Rather than starting another argument, I simply went into the kitchen, fixed supper, helped where I could, and came back upstairs. Sometimes saying nothing takes more strength than saying everything that’s on your mind.
The next morning David told me Charlie only had eight dollars left from a five-hundred-dollar paycheck. The rest had been spent going out with friends, buying drinks, and paying for different things. Now he didn’t have money for gas or even to wash his work clothes.
As parents, we’ve stepped in before. We’ve handed him money for gas. We’ve given him money to wash his clothes because we don’t want him showing up to work dirty. But somewhere along the way, I realized that constantly rescuing someone keeps them from learning the lessons that responsibility teaches.
What hurt even more was learning that one of his friends had taken time off work because Charlie had promised to buy him a ticket to come visit. The money was gone, and now someone else was paying the price for his choices. That isn’t how I raised Charlie.
Another thing happened this week that reminded me why boundaries matter. I went downstairs and found a set of walkie-talkies sitting on the table that hadn’t been there the night before. Someone had obviously been through my things. Charlie had been told that Bradley wasn’t supposed to be in our home because of things that had happened in the past, yet there was evidence someone had been downstairs.
In that moment I realized I couldn’t control what other people choose to do. I can only control how I respond. That doesn’t mean I stop loving my family. It means I stop carrying the weight of choices that aren’t mine. It means I stop trying to fix every problem before someone else has a chance to learn from it.
It means I start protecting my own peace. For far too long I’ve put my work, my health, and even my relationship with God on hold because I was constantly responding to everyone else’s emergencies. Every phone call, every problem, every argument became my responsibility.
Not anymore. This week I’m choosing something different. I’m choosing boundaries. I’m choosing myself. My workday will be from 8:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. During those hours, I’m focusing on the work God has placed before me. My office is my workspace. Unless it’s a true emergency, I’m asking for that time to be respected.
At noon I’ll take my lunch break and call David to check on him. After five o’clock, family time begins again. If Charlie oversleeps and misses work, that’s his responsibility. If money runs out because of poor decisions, those are lessons he has to learn.
As much as it hurts a mother’s heart, I cannot live someone else’s life for them. The Bible reminds us in Galatians 6:5, “For each shall bear his own burden.” That verse doesn’t mean we stop caring. It means each person is responsible for the choices they make.
I’m finally learning that letting go isn’t giving up. It’s trusting God to work where I can’t. It’s believing that God loves my family even more than I do. It’s praying instead of panicking. It’s setting healthy boundaries instead of carrying unhealthy burdens.
Will this be easy? No. Will I still worry? Probably. But every day I’m choosing to place my family back into God’s hands instead of trying to carry them on my own shoulders. So today, as I sit here on my front porch, my prayer is simple:
“Lord, help me release what I cannot control. Give me wisdom to know when to speak, courage to set healthy boundaries, and peace to trust You with the people I love. Amen.”
Sometimes the greatest act of love isn’t rescuing someone. Sometimes it’s letting them face the consequences of their own choices while praying God uses those moments to bring growth, wisdom, and a changed heart.
Thank you,
Glenda, Charlie and David Cates
